dry eyes...

really hurt.
&& my key board is getting fucked up with all of the water thats been poured on it.

with that said his is gonna be the last blog relating to this person and this topic.
because tomorrow is july 1st.
a new month .
and i am done with this topic and this person.


eventually I'll remember ever moment and try to cry but the tears just won't come.. and that will be the happiest day of my life.


--trinuhh.

FUCkkKKK [ rant. out the ass.]

i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
i fucking hate him
i fucking hate him
i hate him so much
so
so
so
so
so
so
much.


im gonna die of a heart attack

meow....

Parents like to tell you, be careful who you have sex with.. and this and that--
and use protection..

and the most not important thing that stuck out to me was..
"a BOY will do and say anything to have sex with yu"

I always believed it, but figured that I would know when i was bieng used... and that I'd have an indication, but never thought it was really something to worry about.. untill...



Today I realized that i am probably one of the stupidest
-- NO the MOST stupid girl in the world to think a boy like that could ever really love me.
waas i not good enough..?

why give me one set of 8 letters...

you know.?
if it meant another set of 8 letters

is that how much i really didnt matter?



Personal message:
To go behind my back and laugh about me, when your supposed to care. i dont know the definition of love or to be IN love, but i damn well know that it was NOT that shit... The only thing you knew how to do was lie to me. To say you don't know how to treat people is an understatement.. REALLY.
I'm not for a second gonna sit here and play the victim...
cuz' at the end of the day it was pretty stupid for me to trust ANYONE..
i really did kind of ask for this shit, so im blaming myself..


but niggahs really WILL do A N Y T H I N G for some pussy.
even tell lies..

-- that's all i really WAS.
some pussy.
at least i know.


--trinuhhh

cuz' i felt nothing..

For the first time I actually want NOTHING.
and this is not because I am satisfied with life, this is because I'm settling for not being able to have everything I WANT.


and then we have the quote..


"you can't have your cake and eat it too"

what's the point of me going out of my way to bake a damn cake if i cant even have a bite..


personal rant-

this summer, i kind of just wanted to not have to worry about anyone or anything, because .. well, its the summer. LAST summer someone.... pulled something similar and now I'm realizing that maybe it was bullshit back then, I'm seeing that for me... it's NOT bullshit. I don't want to be lonely but I'd like to be alone. I'd like to have the option to not be so engrossed in love and the drama just because I don't need all of it. Love can make a person feel great, but it can also make you feel just as bad and powerless. I'd prefer if I had the upper hand here.... Not to say that I still don't feel how i feel for anyone, but if its REAL then it'll stay there.. if its not then I'll know that i did the right thing. but i am not even seventeen yet. WHY in hell do i need to waste tears on something that isn't guaranteed. looking at current times.. seeing as how guys have the freedom.. I'm thinking. I SHOULD be able to have that freedom. No strings.. no ropes no chains. I should be able to do whatever, even if that means DOING nothing. and i do think that its worth it.. to put love on a halt because if I'M not thinking about me and my happiness who really is?

Taking this to the HEAD.

I'm always really scared to be happy. I've been scared to love and be loved in return but I'm noticing that maybe I dont have to be scared. Because no matter what, the pain and hurt will come. It was meant to come.
I do think that after a while the hurt stops, the pain comes to an end... and then you become only prone to happiness. Right now, at this moment I love the one of the greatest people to have ever lived, and as far as I KNOW this person loves me back. He shows me that.
Its a beautiful feeling. and AS HORRIBLE and as LOW as i can feel. He makes me feel on top of the world. =]

--trinuhh

No, No Es Amor...

It is 2 ; 02 in the damn morning and i just finished waking up out of nowhere to see I received a text from someone who needed to talk.
and this was at almost 12:00

My gayest wish was to be this person's night in shining armor, The person that was always there for them no matter what, but because I got up two hours to late they weren't ready to talk anymore and it just isnt fair! It is not fair that I have crazy love for a selective robot & I KNOW life isnt fair but I ALWAYS wanted to be there for this person and its so hard when its like an olympics race JUST trying to get this person's attention outside of a FUCKING EACH OTHEER level. I have to compete for his friendship.. ShakinMahHead.

.
I feel like there are so many underlined stories and emotions and details to this person FARTHER than what I already know, and itá bieng selfish but i want to know them ALL. I feel that I never ever will and that shit hurts so bad cuz i wanna know him inside and out. Not on a marraige level, cuz ew... and I dont think yu shuld have to be married to a person to share an emotional connect in confidence. Everything doesnt have to be about commitment on that level. I think its so corny just to say to someone, i JUST wanna KNOW yu. but i just wanna know this guy man...and just KNOW him, not to hurt him but to just BE there. OUTSIDE OF THE ROMANTICISM THAT MAKES THINGS COMPLICATED AND IMPOSSIBLE..


Its not like he shows that he cares, he says he does and then actions show different. and Í'm feeling like I'm walking on landmines with everything i do. and on MY mission to be happy i could pssibly be hurting him on the way but NOTHING is on purpose. bur Im so sick and tired of bieng hurt because of everyone ...



love for a person is wild.

poetry::.ocean of me

It would be a never ending cycle with you.
it would be just yur smashing AND dashing. "
laying down
crashing
on the sands of my sorrows
as we lay.

the depressed fish
gets to swim up stream
and plays with the strong smooth musclee
and plays around with THAT wetness
she is RICH.
and offers that sweet pearl
for a five minute smileee
and this fish is released
and the fish crys on down dripping onto that smooth strong muscle.

and everyone is covered in tears.
happy tears
sad tears...
cuz this cycle comes to a scary start-finish..
when mr.muscle man cant wipe those tears.
of sadness and regret
cuz fishing aint always in season in the ocean OF me..

this muscle carrier only comes in
hungry
smashes and dashes
lays down and crashes
all other ports are closed..
and the grains of sand
cant hold up pretty little beach house
when mr.man breaks it down at the docks..
under the boardwalk.


--trinuhh

love[rant]

So, my mom right ...and her boyfriend, they like PISS me off.
Break up, goo back together, break up and hate each other for three days and then once again, go back together. but then if I do the SAME SHIT with y boyfriend its a fucking problem, i have to have the peachiest, keenest [ made up a word] relationships know to teenage love. WHY the hell is it okay for her to live a a dysfunctional ass carnival ride, but i cant even come near the front entrance.

IS THIS what love is, a carnival, a BIG show.
OH boy, i hope not cuz i was born to be an entertainer.
A fucking park a where the only thing that's in is a seesaw.
aw fucking adults piss me off.


-trinuhh.